The Power of Meekness
Charles Barkley, a famous basketball player and current NBA analyst, once said, “The meek may inherit the earth, but they won’t get the rebound.”
Well, what exactly is meekness? What does it mean to inherit the earth? And what do these or a Charles Barkley quote have to do with overcoming a porn addiction?
Barkley is like many who misinterpret meekness the way Jesus described. Many assume that being meek is to be timid and weak, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. True meekness, as Jesus pointed us to, is to possess strength and power but also the ability to control it. I may not be able to out-rebound Charles Barkley, but I do know how understanding this key truth from Jesus will help us overcome porn!
Embracing the first two beatitudes of being poor in spirit and broken by our sin changes us. It makes us gentle.
The meek learn how to be gentle in approaching God— not demanding of God, but gentle. In boldness and confidence yes, but in gentleness knowing that it is only by God’s grace that we have access in His presence. The gentle have no entitlement before God.
Meekness is Power
The world will speak of meekness as if it’s a bad thing — a weakness. You won’t get the rebound. But as mentioned earlier, meekness and gentleness are not the lack of strength or power but power under control. Jesus was the most powerful man to walk the earth, and He was gentle.
How can being meek and gentle help us achieve freedom?
“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.” -Matthew 5:5
When we understand our poverty and are broken over our sin, we also deal gently with other people’s sin. Instead of being brash and arrogant, we are humble and gentle with them. This is exactly what Paul instructs in Galatians 6:1.
“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”
Not just gentle in restoring others in their sinfulness but also in general. A good question to ask yourself is whether others see you as gentle or harsh. Jesus said citizens of the Kingdom of God should be gentle, and they will be blessed. Healthy relationships are one of those blessings. However, as we will unpack in this blog, many lack healthy relationships which often leads to unhealthy habits.
Unhealthy relationships can fuel porn use in multiple ways. Porn becomes the medication of choice to numb the negative emotions that result from unhealthy relationships. But also, a lack of intimacy in our real relationships can give the fake intimacy of porn stronger appeal. These are two powerful drivers of a porn or sex addiction that most people don’t recognize.
Bridge to Anger
When someone has used porn to medicate negative emotions, they don’t realize that anger is an emotion they often go to quickly. The adrenaline of the rage numbs them to a degree. We are typically harsh with our words and actions when we get angry. We are the opposite of gentle. We are not meek.
“In your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” – Ephesians 4:26
Not dealing with anger is giving the enemy an opportunity. And it’s important to recognize that anger is a secondary emotion. Most people go to anger and stay there because they do not want to deal with the underlying issues. Yet, God’s wisdom says we must learn to allow anger to get our attention and deal with the conflicts driving us mad.
Consider a check engine light. I don’t know about you, but when that comes on in my car, I usually ignore it and just hope it will disappear. Anger is like the check engine light in your car — it alerts us that something else is going on. Learning to deal with anger is key to living free.
Anger’s Progression
Most people who medicate with porn are also likely to be medicating with anger. It’s a secondary emotion because it is sparked by a primary emotion – insecurity, fear, frustration, impatience, etc. We learn to stay in anger because staying there allows us to avoid the more vulnerable feelings. It’s easier to get mad and stay that way than acknowledge that you feel like a failure or that no one cares about you. So, dealing with our anger will require us to deal with the other accompanying emotions. As I mentioned earlier, Paul specifically talks about anger, but the principle can apply to any negative emotion.
Paul encourages us to have a sense of urgency in dealing with anger — before the sun goes down. When the porn addict doesn’t deal with their anger or other negative emotions, they often medicate them.
Healthy Relationships
We have a definition of freedom from pornography or other sexual sin, which we adapted from Dr. Ted Roberts that states, “Freedom is living two years without acting out while establishing healthy relationships and habits.” Healthy relationships are such a key component in finding freedom from porn. And healthy relationships are developed when we are gentle, not harsh.
If there is no gentleness — there is conflict … lots of it. And people with a lot of conflict in relationships tend to seek out unhealthy ways to deal with it. Bitterness and resentment lead you to medicate those emotions with unhealthy habits like overeating, media binges or porn.
A gentle person is a forgiving person. Someone who displays meekness learns to deal with conflict in a way that honors God and helps relationships become stronger — not weaker.
Inheriting the Earth
Cultivating gentleness rooted in our brokenness over our sin and humility rooted in our need for God is a quality that Jesus says will be rewarded. He promised the meek “will inherit the earth.” Inheriting the earth in the next life is awesome and something to look forward to, but we also inherit benefits and rewards here and now when meekness is a part of who we are. Consider how Paul instructs us in Ephesians 4 as a continuation of his teaching on anger:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:29-32
Inheriting the earth now is the opportunity God has given us to redeem relationships and experience life to the full, as Jesus described in John 10:10. That includes the blessing of healthy relationships where forgiveness and restoration are a part of our lives. And that, in turn, helps us to not resort to unhealthy habits and medicate deeper issues with, say, porn. Freedom is possible! Let us take these beatitudes to heart and ask God to develop them in our lives.
Looking for a great first step to get free from porn? Take The 30-Day Challenge and begin your journey to freedom today!
FAQ’s
Speaking of healthy relationships, should I share my struggle with porn with my wife/girlfriend?
Yes, but how and when you do so makes a difference. If your dating relationship is approaching marriage, you should disclose it to your soon-to-be fiance before you get engaged. If you are married, you need to have a full disclosure with your wife, which is one of the areas we train in with our Flagship program. There is a right way to do a disclosure and a wrong way. Those who do it incorrectly often have a staggered disclosure where the truth emerges in stages. This is very damaging to a spouse and must be avoided. But at the same time, if the husband hasn’t established a measure of sobriety, his regular relapses can also be damaging and take the wife on a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Why is a porn addiction so difficult to break?
Several reasons make pornography particularly addictive. One reason is that access is very challenging. If a cocaine addict always had a baggie of cocaine in their front pocket, it would be a considerable challenge. That is what porn addicts face with the easy access of a smartphone.
Secondly, people use it to medicate and numb the pains and discomforts of life. It is a powerful medication, and people develop a chemical dependency, usually subconsciously. Because they often develop this at a young age, the adolescent brain forms powerful porn connections.
Thirdly, a sex or porn addiction is classified as an intimacy disorder. The more isolated a person is, the more they are susceptible to the fake intimacy of pornography or a sexual hook-up. This gives porn a powerful pull to it mainly because of the bonding chemical oxytocin that is released during climax. The porn addict is bonding both emotionally and physically to their porn.
Sometimes anger is what triggers me to use porn. What advice would you give to help someone overcome their anger problems?
One of the tools we teach in our program is BRACE. This is a great tool to use when triggered. We can only unpack some of it here, but part of the process is remembering the truth. So when triggered, it is important to remember what God’s word says about anger (James 1:19-20, Ephesians 4:26-32). These two verses have some excellent practical advice on how we should and should not respond to anger.
