Whether you worry you’re addicted to porn, think of your porn use as a bad habit or try not to think about it at all, there’s a good chance you have legitimate questions about it.
The simple fact that you’re reading this blog means you’re curious about your relationship with porn. Perhaps it’s getting more difficult to ignore that sinking feeling you get after you’ve watched it. Maybe porn has already damaged your life in undeniable ways. Perhaps you’re even wondering how to quit porn for good.
Wherever you are in your journey, know this: Opening this article was an important step. An honest step. And being truly honest with yourself is the first step to quitting porn and finding lasting freedom from addiction.
Let’s get real.
We Tell Ourselves Lies
Whenever we’re consuming something we know isn’t good for us, we’ll tell ourselves almost anything to justify, downplay or flat out deny the problem. That’s human nature, and we all know what it sounds like.
Imagine what you might tell yourself if you were struggling with a years-long smoking habit, excessive alcohol consumption or even incessant Instagram scrolling …
“I can quit any time.”
“I’ve had a long week. I earned this (seventh) beer!”
“I’m not on my phone as much as Johnny.”
We’re funny creatures, aren’t we? Intelligent, discerning, principled people from all walks of life will feed themselves flimsy lines like these to justify doing what they want to do, lines they’d never ask another person to accept. But when we’re motivated to do so, lying to ourselves is all too easy.
It’s no different with porn. Whether we feel that sinking feeling deeply or only a little, whether it lasts days or minutes, we know something’s not right. And we have a few go-to tactics to make that feeling go away.
Denial
“I’m not addicted.” “I can stop whenever I want to.” “What problem? I like this!” Denial is blatant and blunt and paper thin. It’s like talking to yourself just loudly enough that the other voice inside — the still, small one — can’t bother you anymore.
Minimization
“Well, I definitely don’t look at porn as much as that person.” “I can go weeks without looking at it.” When we minimize harmful behavior, we’re not even pretending there’s no problem. Instead, we pretend there’s no big problem. And then we can continue harming ourselves — a little bit at a time.
Rationalization
“I’m not married yet, so it’s not an issue.” “I’m not hurting anyone else.” “I’m just more sexual than other people.” When we’re rationalizing, we give ourselves permission to continue almost any level of harmful behavior because “in our situation,” it’s OK.
Many married men have told themselves, “If I initiated sex with my wife as much as I needed or wanted it, it would frustrate her. So, I’m doing her a favor by using porn.” Think about the depth of deception and denial going on. The man who has cultivated an appetite for porn and masturbation (a different brain pathway than that established by healthy marital sex) lies to himself that he is actually serving his wife.
Why Our Hearts Deceive Us
Scripture tells us that “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure” (Jeremiah 17:9). We know that the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit (and many of the standards we’re called to in Scripture), and for Christians, against our own values. Think about that: Warring inside your amazing, sacred, made-in-the-image-of-God person is a set of desires and motivations in direct conflict with each other. You are not alone! Every believer experiences this conflict. When our actions don’t align with our principles, we feel ashamed and guilty. And that’s why we want to believe our own lies. Why feel ashamed about our porn use when we can feel justified instead? Our deceptive hearts enable us to hide our sin by denying, minimizing and rationalizing.
But it doesn’t really work. Scripture is clear: when we sin sexually, we sin against our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18). And deep down, the feelings of shame and guilt never quite go away. We may be able to hush them for a while, but they’re always there, making us feel profoundly torn.
Sin Deceives Us, Too
Dr. Ted Roberts, a counselor with over 30 years of experience helping Christians break free from sexual sin, says that fewer than 10% of Christian men, struggling with a porn or sex addiction, seek out meaningful help because they’re deceived about their true condition. They don’t think they really have a problem that they need help with. They can handle it on their own.
Hebrews 3:13 says, “But encourage one another daily … so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Sin isn’t just tempting or gratifying — it’s deceitful. Sin actually tricks us into keeping our actions and thoughts secret. It hardens our hearts so that we can’t hear His voice or feel His presence.
How the Lies Hurt
If we’re honest with ourselves, we know that when we justify our porn use, we’re deepening a rift in our souls. But that’s not where the problem ends. It affects our relationships, too.
Perhaps you’re single or you and your significant other aren’t married yet and it’s difficult to understand the relational impact of your porn use because of that. Scripture gives us a vision of love in 1 Corinthians 13 that ends with our being fully known. God created us to come alive in authentic relationships, where we are known deeply and where we know others deeply.
When we live with a hidden addiction or try to believe our own lies, part of us is living in the shadows. We can only offer pieces of who we are to the people in our lives. That rift inside becomes a rift in our relationships, too, as it compounds feelings of fear and shame. “Am I going to be found out?” “What would they think of me?” “Who would still love me if they knew?” This fear and shame keeps us in hiding and makes it impossible for us to experience the depth and authenticity of relationships we were created to enjoy. Staying stuck in sexual sin is a dangerous place to stay. As recently disgraced Christian leader Ravi Zacharias put it, “Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay.” For your sake, for the Lord’s sake, for your family’s or future family’s sake — come out of the shadows and get help.
Take the First Step Toward Quitting Porn
All of the tips, methods and programs to help you quit porn are hopeless if you’re not honest with yourself. The journey toward freedom starts with authenticity. Often our porn use stems from some deeper longing for connection, fulfillment, passion or release. If we can’t be honest about it, we’ll never truly satisfy longings that drew us toward porn in the first place. Authenticity matters.
Take some time to get real with yourself. If you’ve been justifying your porn use, ask yourself some honest questions. Could you actually quit tomorrow? If so, why haven’t you? Is porn affecting your relationships? If not, why doesn’t anyone else know about that part of your life? Even if you are using porn less than your friends, how do you feel after you have used it? Do you feel free?
If you’re starting to realize that your porn use is a problem, if you’re ready to get a clear view of that problem, if you’re ready to answer some simple but powerful questions about porn honestly, take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test.
The Sexual Addiction Screening Test
The SAST helps men and women understand how much of a problem porn is in their lives. It’s a simple, 20-question test that has helped tens of thousands of people understand their reality more clearly. It’s 94% accurate (if you answer the questions honestly!) and is a great first step toward getting real and breaking free from porn.
Commit to Being Honest
The lies we tell ourselves often hold a piece of truth in them. You probably don’t “watch as much porn as Johnny.” Your spouse may not be bothered by you watching porn (or know about it!). You may actually be able to stop watching porn right now. And while these things might be true, this might be true, too: deep down, you feel disintegrated, dishonest or disconnected — perhaps even distant from God.
Don’t worry about quitting porn today. Just commit to being honest with yourself.
Finding freedom is a journey. Outgrowing porn takes time. The first step to quitting porn is getting real. You’ve already begun. And the joy, health and love you’re going to experience because of your courage will change everything.
“Love … rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).
Take the SAST If You’re Ready to Get Real
A full-time minister was taking the SAST test with some of his staff. This is a glimpse of his inner dialogue:
“As I began taking the test, I started to have some fears. What if this assessment showed that I have a problem? I couldn’t deal with that. I mean what if someone asked me what my score was? What would I say? I definitely was not ready to face the reality that I might have a problem. I had messed up in the past year, the past month, in the past few weeks … but I knew I didn’t have a problem. I was going to make sure the test showed that too.
“So every time I wasn’t sure exactly what to put down, I would put the answer down that made me sound better. If you do that every single time, you can have some pretty good results …
Turns out I was one point below the threshold of having a problem! That was a close one! And I let myself believe that lie and as a result, I stayed stuck in the shadows for two more years.”
Breaking free from the lies of porn doesn’t happen alone. Get the support you need to find true freedom. Join the Freedom Fight.
